11:49 PM - Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Feeling extremely Sylvia Plath right now.
Just emo-ing.
I said it today.
It hurt.
But it had to be done.
Just like how I have to learn.
To move on.
The End
9:57 PM - Thursday, March 25, 2010
This is not fiction
I trusted love's cruel vision..
Don't tell me that this how we're gonna end the storyThis is how you're gonna leave the glory
This is how you're gonna find me
With nothing with a picture to remind me
Is this the end.
Saying something, knowing something and doing something about it are totally different things.
I think, although I know it's happening, I've been putting it at the edge of my consciousness? It's like I'm on the outside looking in on my own life, kind of surreal.
Yet, now I have to confront it, have to say it out loud, have to do something about it. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I say it out loud, it'll become real.
And I'm afraid that I'll break down when the reality hits. God help me.
Super Psycho Love
9:13 PM - Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Something lately drives me crazy, has to do with how you make me struggle to get your attention.
I hate how you love me one second and drop me the next, I mean, what the heck did I do this time?
I say its ok, and that I can handle it, but every time it happens, it drives the wedge deeper into my heart.
I understand that it's not a once in a blue moon thingy? That it happens because of who you are, but its easier said than done to actually deal with it.
Fell in love with an Android baby
Acting
10:25 PM - Monday, March 22, 2010
I gotta pose for the cameras
Even when my world's falling down
I still wear a smile
Lucky me
Even though I'm so damaged
I gotta pick myself up and perform for the crowd
Lucky me
Scaling New Heights
12:28 AM - Thursday, March 18, 2010
She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes,She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes,
She'll be coming round the mountain,
She'll be coming round the mountain,
She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.
LOLS. Obviously this is referring to my dearest Zeus, who is so amazingly awesome, she climbed a mountain. Not Olympus, but close. =))
It's officially Thursday and that means she'll be back soon. =))))
No idea why I'm missing her this badly, and its kindof irrational, but sighs, life works in mysterious ways. I know one thing for sure, I wanna talk to her!!! I wanna find out how she survived that damn climb and all.
MY HERO/HEROINE SIA..
Every minutes' like an hour
Every hour's like a day
Every day lasts forever
But what else can I do?
I'll wait forever and a day for you
Life
4:13 PM - Saturday, March 13, 2010
Percy Jackson was awesome. Seriously Logan Lerman is HAWT. But sighs, that was but an escape from the harsh reality that surrounds me. Oh well.
I remember that day, I was talking to Jie Zhi about our class people and how they're all dieting and eating healthily. A bit too healthily in my opinion. lols. And I told him that my motto is Live Fast, Die Young.
Jie Zhi then asked me:"Huh, why would you want to do that? Don't you want to do something meaningful with your life?" I then stared at him and he finally figured out what I was trying to tell him "Oh... That's right, you do loads of community work, that is meaningful I guess." Which I admit is true, that is one thing that I'm proud of in my life, but there are other things.
I've always wondered what it would be like to die, part of the whole homo sapiens' morbid fascination with death I guess. And most of all, what I really want to know is if anyone would mourn my passing. Not counting family of course, because that's like part of their duty in anycase. But I would like to know if anyone else outside of my family would bother to come, because that would tell me whether or not I've achieved something in this life.
At this ripe old age of 17 and 3 months, I feel I have achieved a fair bit of things. Let's go through them shall we?
Academically:
- Admittedly, this is one area I can't say I'm particularly proud of. I have been a slacker for pretty much all of my life, and if I dig deep, I can say that its because I take some things for granted, or life has been too easy for me.
- However, I guess I can say that getting into GEP has to count for something
- Getting into Dunman High also has to count for something
- Getting into the L class has to count for something and
- Getting A2 and B3 for HCL and MEP respectively definitely counts for something
Dreams:
- I used to dream of being a writer, and I have achieved this in some way, I've co-authored a thesis in CHINESE for a NUS mentorship program and its been published. I've also written fanfic online and published it and received encouragement and praise.
- I used to dream of being a lawyer, defending my clients. Now I refuse to consider being a lawyer but if you look at my CCA choice - ISAC, I can see it as a realization of this dream in another way. I'm taking part in MUNs and ASEAN+, defending my country's stand. I'm debating issues based on laws, technicalities and various other components. So I can say that this dream has been realised as well.
- I used to dream of being able to rough it out in the wild. For this dream, I have to thank my schools for allowing me to be able to do this. Tao Nan - for introducing me to SPARKC, which was the primary school version of OBS, it was awesome and it prepped me for worser stuff to come. Dunman High - for bringing us on adventure camps, especially the one at Kota Tinggi, that was amazing and I enjoyed it TTM.
- I wanted to travel around the world. As of now, on family trips, I have been to Malaysia, Indonesia, Japan, Korea, Taiwan, USA and Australia. Considering that I'm 17 only, that is quite a lot of places, for that I'm grateful as well.
- I wanted to be knowledgeable!! (I know, what a nerdy dream right -_-) I think now, as a result of ISAC, GP and my own interest in current affairs, I do know a lot. As a result of family trips, I have gained exposure to other cultures and to things that I would never have known if I were here in Singapore only. The woman calls me a know-it-all, I personally think no one can ever know-it-all but since she says so, I'm gonna take that as evidence this dream has been realised too.
Social:
- I want to think that my friends are gonna turn up at my funeral, even if its to spit on my coffin. Because that still means I've made an impact, regardless of whether its positive or negative. If its positive, then I'm glad that I've managed to do that for you. If its negative, then I'm happy to have been a example of what-not-to-do.
- I think I've quite a wide circle of friends and some closer ones. Some who embarrassingly know all about the dumb things I've ever done and some who only see the side of me that I allow them to see. I sincerely hope the first group will turn up, because thats the group that have seen me, all of me, and they have to decide for themselves whether I truly am worthy of their mourning. Because make no mistake about it, I have a gazillion flaws. If you wanna know how many, go ask the woman.
Personal:
- I think as Jie Zhi mentioned, I am pretty proud that I have managed to discover this facet of life that has so much meaning and brings so much joy to my life. I thank Mrs Koh for that and Ms Tan for giving me so many opportunities, for grooming me. I am lucky to have found an outlet for my energy and I feel happy knowing that with the community work I have done, I have definitely made an impact on society, whether it is acknowledged or not. I'm glad I joined YVIP, because it really was the most awesome camp ever. It opened my eyes, and welcomed me into a huge family of people. Although I regret not going back to help, I do feel that if I ever needed their help for a project, they would oblige. =)
- Right now, my goal is to become a psychologist or a sociologist, or a political scientist. Whatever really, as long as I can study people/social systems and figure out what makes them tick. This would help me to help others in society. That really is my main goal: To give back to society. I think in a way I have achieved this, through being a mini-mentor/counsellor of sorts. I may not be the best, but I have tried and on occasion succeeded, whether through pure brute force or not. And by brute force I mean nagging at that person until I break down their barriers. Not like violence or anything. I'm not about to name those people, but I think they know who they are. I wanna thank you all because I have gained so much from interacting with all of you.
And after looking at this list, I realised that it really isn't the length of lives that matter, but it is the depth. I thank you all for allowing me to live such a long enriching and invigorating life. And no, I'm not planning on committing suicide lols. I realise it kindof sounds like one huh. Just counting my blessings if you may. =)
P.S. I miss you already.
Curveballs
11:41 PM - Thursday, March 11, 2010
How do you make painful choices? Painful to you but a relief to others.
Sometimes life throws you curveballs that really make you think, it tears down everything that you ever stood for and shifts your whole paradigm.
How would I make that choice? Am I being selfish in not wanting to make it? I don't want it to hurt, but neither do I want to hurt others. Maybe its because I'm not ready to let go yet, thing is, what if it happens before I have time for closure? What then?
Sighs. Moodswinging now also. Got a lot of things on my mind, need to sort them out. Need to hold back the tears and remember the good times. Yet, the good times bring on tears as well.
Update
10:44 PM - Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Damn freaking heavy. I really cannot tahan. (Woman, I apologise for using this word but no other way to better express myself than in Singlish. I'll be bathing extra next week for you alright?)
On another POV, that may mean it'll end earlier. Sighs. Hope is such an elusive thing.
SOT was amazingly interesting today, despite the fact that it was wayyy too cold to think, seriously. FREAKING COLD. Like North Pole COLD. =(( I had like several epiphanies and it felt so damn good. Kena suan-ed for discussing SOT stuff with Jie Zhi but aiya, I let it slide. Jie Zhi on the other hand, blushed so badly I swear he looked like a tomato. =D
Can't wait for timed assignment tmr, let's just get it over with!!
He's back in hospital and I'm feeling his pain. I wish I could take it away.
MPZ (This is so not a typo), thanks for making me laugh today. Really needed it. That rant was awesome yo! Love ya so much! =)
BLANK
10:15 PM - Monday, March 8, 2010
Dunno why but the things you say (and do?) are starting to piss me off recently. And I dunno how to tell you. Oh well. We'll just let things run their course.
Sometimes I think I'm too nice, nice until the point that I don't know how to say no.
P.S. Sorry for randomly pangseh-ing you today when Ms Tan came by, I totally forgot that I had made an appointment to see her. ._. My memory's going luh. =( Must be your STM rubbing off on me.. =P
P.P.S. Note to self: Bring earplugs tmr to flag raising because HE is gonna be speaking into a mike, aka NOISE POLLUTION 101. -_-
SSP!!
9:14 PM - Friday, March 5, 2010
CONGRATULATIONS TO MY VERY OWN PERSONAL GOD!
You did awesome, stay awesome always!
I think my chinese is awesome too, wheee, didn't have to use correction tape this time. hahaha.. =D
I'm a lil worried about what my results are gonna turn out like next year but oh well, nothing I can do about it except work my ass off. WOMAN!! You say you have a big butt, come work it off with me too.. MUAHAHA.. XD
Congratulations to all seniors who did well too, we're proud of you. =D GRACE HO YOU ARE IMBA!!
Squish. Squash. Panda.
That somehow is insanely random+no link but so ridiculously cute. Kindof like you anyhow. =D
And kindof like this blogpost. LOLS.
I fell down in PE today while we were playing touch rugby, have like multiple abrasions on my knees and calf, on my hands and my chin. FREAKING PAINFUL TO MOVE RIGHT NOW. =(
The ones on my knee look like angry red welts now, they're like kindof swelling up? =S
Dunno what to make of it, but I know it hurts and that's all that's really sinking into my head right now.
Dunno how I'm gonna sleep tonight but I know its not gonna be comfortable. T.T
I have to say, after showering today, I discovered the importance of our palms. Seriously, with the abrasion on my left palm, I realise that I can't do so many things without it hurting. =((
LIKE FOR GOD'S SAKE, I CAN'T EVEN FACEPALM ANYMORE!!! ._.
Control
11:25 PM - Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Ok, I'm gonna come right off the bat and say it here first,
DISCLAIMER: I realise that you read my blog and I realise that you're gonna recognise this particular quote, but I believe you're just the only one brave enough to say it to my face and I thank you for that, this post is in no way a display of my real feelings towards you. =)
Alright, phew, now that that's over with. Let's start shall we?
Someone commented the other day that I was "henpecked". First off, I resent that statement, shall we try a lil Lit analysis?
Henpecked has connotations of being weak, giving in all the time and basically being absolutely controlled by the other person. (I realise this has obviously definition inside, I'm sorry I'm not a very good Lit student.)
I appreciate the person being able to say this to my face, because in Ms Tan Bee Hong's famous words: A good friend is someone who can tell you straight to your face your faults and call you on them and scold you for them. So thank you.
However, I dislike that label being attached to me and I prefer to see my situation in less harsh terms. First of all, yes, I admit, I give in. However, if we look at it from another perspective, it just means knowing my limits and my ability to get my way. I'm being smart actually. I know that out of 10 times, the number of times I'll get my way is probably like 1 or 2 if I'm lucky. And the consequences of pushing these limits are wayyy not worth it. So, as long as I'm ok with it, why not try to compromise whenever I can, as long as its not compromising my values or whatever?
Secondly, stepping out of my own shoes, I can see how much of a pushover I must become when around her. Seeing as how I'm normally extremely domineering around other people and am used to getting my way. True. I do normally get my way around other people or at least I don't back down that easily. Maybe it's because I'm so much less pushy with her that I have to make up for it elsewhere? Hmm. Nah, I don't think so.
I choose to believe that it's a matter of choice. I choose to give up my domineering side when I'm around her and I choose to give in to her.
In conclusion,
She's just the only person I give up control to. That's all.